Sunday, August 15, 2010

So far from home

Marching Mizzou band camp has started in Columbia, Mo., and I am not there. It's good and bad. I don't have to re-learn (or teach) pregame and marching fundamentals in the scorching heat, but I also don't get to spend a whole week with 300 of my bestest friends -- especially my color guard girls and boys. Bittersweet doesn't even begin to describe the extreme pros and cons of this situation. Marching Band was about 70 percent my life; now it's not, and I have that much of a hole in my heart where it used to be. I realize that life goes on, but this is my first year away (far, far away) so give me a little break.

So I am trying to move on and be a grown up. I am doing pretty well: making money, paying my bills, making new friends and contributing to society. But just when I think that I might survive this growing up thing, something pulls me back down.

My friends have been getting engaged left and right, and that has been freaking awesome, but I found out today that one of my exes is doing the same thing -- with the very reason we broke up to begin with. A friend of mine put it plainly and truthfully: "For some reason you can never forget the assholes in life." She's right. I can never forget him or how he shaped who I am. I can also never forget his promises to me before he cheated. I should be happy for him and his 4-year-old, but I just feel sick. My only respite is that I am so far from home that I don't have to deal with any of this in person.

I guess this post is more on the "life" part of my life than the "design" part, but it is what I have been thinking about. I can't just ignore it.

1 comment:

  1. L,

    You will chase your first love the rest of your life. Usually first loves are the ones with the training wheels. They are the ones you practice on to get good for the real ones.