I gave it a chance, guys. I really did. I opened my mind to this strange new program. I set aside my Adobe bias for a little while, and I learned about Quark. What I have concluded is that InDesign is far superior. Not only does it have more bells and whistles, but it enables you do do things quickly. Want to use the text tool without trying to click a tiny button? Just press "T." Want to access the type within a text box? Just double click. For some reason, Quark has made all its keyboard shortcuts so convoluted that you need three hands to perform them. Making type bigger requires a shortcut of four keys, and there is no easy way to move from the positioning tool to the content tool without accessing your tiny-ass toolbar up in the corner.
Basically, I'm on Team InDesign. I should make T-shirts.